PARANOIA SKITSAFRENZIA ASSURANCE

I wrote this when I was fourteen years old (spelling errors, ect. [sic] included):

Are you paranoid? If you are then people think you are crazy right? Just so society doesn’t think your totally nuts I’ve set up a non-profit corparation called PARANOIA SKITSAFRENZIA ASSURANCE. You can hire thugs to take shots at you, make obscene phone calls. Send bombs in letters ect. All comforting reassurance to society that you are not crazy. The small fee is not for profits but to cover our expenses. Anybody can dish out 2000$ a day. In case you try to inform the authorities about this everybody will really be after you, you crazy jerk. You have to be crazy to apply for this that is why I picked you PARANOIDS. Also to get you all off my back.

***

Weird kid. That was my first thought when I came across the faded, torn piece of paper the passage was written on. My second thought was Kickstarter campaign. I could have PSA up and running in a matter of weeks!

2014.09.28 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on PARANOIA SKITSAFRENZIA ASSURANCE

Golf anyone?

So I have this idea for a movie. It’s about a pro golfer who loses the Masters tournament by one stroke. After that, his life spirals into a whirlwind of self-destructive behaviour, leaving him a broken man. He decides that the only way he can mend himself is if he can make a stunning comeback and win the Masters. He loses by 31 strokes this time but discovers it doesn’t matter because the answer to all his problems was right in front of him – his adorable, wisecracking caddy Priscilla was in love with him the whole time. The title of the movie is The Magufflligan.

2014.08.01 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Golf anyone?

Soles Series story bundle

The first nine short stories in Upper Rubber Boot Books’ Soles Series, including my story Johnny B, are now available bundled at Weightless Books for 33% off. Here’s the link:

Weightless Books

This bundle has tales from pro authors that run the gamut of speculative fiction, from SF, post-apocalyptic (a personal favourite, particularly on Monday mornings), steampunk, alternate history, utopian (another fave, particularly on Friday evenings) to fantasy and horror.

Check out these links for more info on the stories:

2014.07.14 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Soles Series story bundle

The Fine Art of Boxing giveaway

Eggplant Literary Productions, the publisher of my novella The Fine Art of Boxing, is offering ten free copies of the ebook over at LibraryThing and BookLikes. The giveaway lasts until the end of June.

The Fine Art of Boxing is Raging Bull meets Blade Runner, only funnier!” – T. T. Trestle

If you’re interested in getting a free copy, here are the links:

LibraryThing

BookLikes

2014.06.25 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on The Fine Art of Boxing giveaway

Johnny B

Upper Rubber Boot Books reprinted my hockey short story Johnny B as a standalone ebook in its Sole Series. This marks the third time the story has been published. You might even call it a hat-trick if, you know, you were a hockey-playin’, fiction-writin’ guy with a website.

2014.06.07 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Johnny B

Tales to Terrify podcast

The current episode of the terrifyingly awesome podcast Tales to Terrify features an audiobook of my story Having a Drink, which I wrote under the pen name T.T. Trestle (free copy of a Having a Drink ebook pdf for anyone who correctly guesses what the T.T. stands for). You can give the podcast a listen or download it here.

2014.05.16 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Tales to Terrify podcast

That writer question

I frequently (okay, every now and again) (okay, a few times and one of those times was  someone asking me for directions to the bus station) get asked what kind of stories I write, meaning are they SF, fantasy, horror, mystery, literary, etc. My answer is always the same, although more mumbly when I am speaking it rather than writing it down: I never set out to write a specific kind of story. I’m basically kind of a genre hopper for both my fiction writing and reading. Because of this I have grown to think of all fiction – whether it’s a novel, movie or TV show – as a good story, an okay story or a bad one. For my writing, I always aim for the first, try to avoid the last and do my best not to end up meeting in the middle too often.

2014.05.01 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on That writer question

Buffalo Niagara Film Fest

Having A Drink, the werewolf short based on one of my stories, is an official selection of the Buffalo Niagara International Film Festival.

http://thebnff.com/films/having-a-drink-2/

We’re going to head down to Buffalo for the screening. Should be a…No. Must. Resist. Urge. To. Make. Werewolf. Pun…howl.

2014.04.05 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Buffalo Niagara Film Fest

Of mutant cervidae

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer is a fun song to sing and has a nice story to boot. The other reindeer tease Rudolph because of his glowing honker and never let him join their Saturday night poker game. Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh and bingo, all the other reindeer love Rudy. Awww, how heartwarming…

If by ‘heartwarming’, you mean ‘pretty depressing’. What’s the song’s real message? That if you’re a freak, you’d better be a useful freak. Maybe instead of guiding the sleigh, Rudolph should have teamed up with Magneto to wreak havoc on the North Pole. Would have served all the other reindeer right.

And don’t get me started on the Stephen King-esque horrors of Frosty the Snowman.

2014.03.07 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Of mutant cervidae

Public Holmes

A federal judge in the US recently ruled that the characters in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories are now in the public domain. So my next novel, after I finish Do Sheep Dream of Woolly Androids?, will be about a torrid love triangle between Sherlock, Mrs. Hudson and Professor Moriarty. Only Moriarty turns out to have been Count Dracula all along. The Hound of the Baskervilles, who is actually a lovelorn werewolf, will also put in an appearance. It will be called The Sign of the Four Shades of the Red-Headed League. The game’s afoot!

2014.02.01 | Uncategorized | Comments Off on Public Holmes
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